Doreen Connors, 4
Interview with Doreen Connors
Okay, I realized that the word "upheaval" isn't describing my feelings. It refers to my external life situation because my awakening created chaos for my family and friends. Feelings I had: at times I felt myself moving in slow motion, I could not perform my normal activities in a "normal" hurried manner; my sense perceptions became heightened, euphoric, I saw that everything was beautiful.
I noticed things, saw things that appeared like miracles. I felt intensely alive throughout my body. I had frequent shivers up and down my body. Synchronicities occurred frequently. I felt a "pulling" magnetic force... [when I talked to my friend on the phone, I had extreme difficulty to get off the phone... to end the call.] I don't have words for some of the sensations.
Many others mistook this for "falling in love"... it was unlike anything I had ever known. It was not sexual, per se...though it felt at the time, somehow, in the realm of sexuality, only intensely about Love. It was so very hard to explain to other people who thought I was mentally ill...or just "in love." It brings me to tears, now, to write this. It is still deep within me, this not being understood.
Even though, I certainly, at this point, understand deeply that it is not possible for others to understand... it still hurts in a place that no one, I know, has been able to go with me. I had feelings like as if energy was infused in every cell. During this time I became very ill, also, and I was not aware of how ill I had become. Maybe I can re-write this... I am strangely overwhelmed with emotion in writing about it.
No need to re-write– absolutely clear and beautiful. I understand. These were all awakening consequences– repercussions to spiritual growth. I know that kundalini is just a word, but it does refer to the heat that rises from the root chakra and feels very sensual and energizing. Was there an upward flowing current that cleared various areas physically that corresponded to external events? Also, how long would you say this lasted if you had to delineate a beginning and end? You speak in the past tense also in regard to some of these feelings. I assume they have simply become more deeply integrated.
I have a better question if you would just like to skip the last one.... I don’t know if you are familiar with the term “survival guilt” but I wanted to ask you to look at in the complicated array of feelings that occur in relationships as part of these awakening consequences. I think of the story of Buddha going to his father and telling him plainly that he is no longer his father’s son. Is there any part of you who keeps your heightened awareness in check and on a lower profile because of the conscious or unconscious guilt or sense of betrayal that may have occurred and still perhaps linger in some of these relationships?
Is there any residual shame or guilt present for having consciously or unconsciously embraced this part of your nature? Not to suggest that shining your inner light should or could become a performance, but to compensate by not shining? Is there any of this going on or do you find yourself utterly clear of these issues?
"Was there an upward flowing current that cleared various areas physically that corresponded to external events?" Not sure?
Very intense for close to a year+. First 6 months...the most intense. Then, a 2-year period of alcohol use, (I guess I tried to "mute" the experience, in a sense... and dark night of the soul.) "Trying to handle" and at the same time giving my self permission to drink, because I had not had a drink for 19 years. I definitely felt the need to let go of constraints, restrictions, limitations...etc... societal, personal, etc.... the whole thing!!! I am not sorry, in the least, that I drank again.
Gradually, I clearly saw that I could not handle it, nor did I prefer the feeling... and dropped the drinking totally.. clearly. So, from July 2005-Dec. 2005...Jan 2006-Jan 2008...still intense+ dark night...family. Today, husband still dismayed; kids essentially have been on board the whole time... their own awakening experiences... we can go back further to see things getting started in 2000.
2008-present... integration...more and more. Last fall, I felt the beginning of being anchored in the Now. As if, I had been on the fence; or the one foot in the old world...one foot in the New Earth feeling... and now, I am off the fence, on the other side... at least. [getting off the fence, started this past fall, I'd say]
I can honestly say that I no longer hold these feelings of guilt. Most definitely. And I completely understand that those around me, are not able to understand (except my kids). This is definitely integrated. At times, collective conditioning crops up, that is then experienced and dissolved.... but even this, feels to occur less and less... ?
Yes, this is what occurred with the drinking, dark night episode.. I knew, deep down in my heart that I had no guilt...and could not understand in my mind...or REALIZE... that for other folks around me, it is impossible for them to understand.
I do have this feeling, though, that the time has come for something from "me" or through me to move outward. And, a thought about this says that, then "healing" can begin for my husband. It feels in my heart "reasonable"... maybe it is a block... I don't know. I see the very hurt child in him... and I don't know what to do, except Be the one I am. I could care less it he likes me or not!! lol!