The Meditation Story, 17
Article on The Meditation Story
”Can I fully love? Can I fully be led by my feelings of trust in something greater than myself?”
New Heart Meditations
I am living in a small house in Northern California having just separated from the Mother of my children. The divorce is pending. One week I am spending quality time with my children and the next week I spend alone. The time alone gives me the opportunity to become reacquainted with myself in a deep sense– something that had been pushed aside for years– unfortunate but true.
Once again I begin asking big questions. Time alone will do that. Time alone is important. Just as meditating in a pyramid will isolate you energetically from the surrounding thought-forms and potentially invasive energy, so will time alone. I took up right where I left off. This is one of the beautiful things about meditation– the place you go is always the same– always there. You only need to dive deep enough within.
Kundalini Rising Upward
I have not spoken about kundalini for a while although it was present throughout my travels and development. Kundalini rising up the spine and clearing chakras and the emotional debris as it goes. Emotional debris is a good name for it– deposits of old feelings left unresolved and rotting. I had managed to recover a sense of belonging (first chakra), my creativity (second chakra), greater personal empowerment (third chakra) and now I was up against the heart– a burning sensation in my heart.
Looking back as I write this article something is obvious to me that was not before. Kundalini was clearing and surging upward and just as it hit my heart I was suddenly unable to live with this woman who was essentially not a good match for me emotionally and intimately. The work I was unconsciously beginning with my heart had expelled me from an unhealthy relationship.
Opening the Heart Chakra
With more time to myself I was reading and writing more. I returned again to “Autobiography of a Yogi” by Yogananda (shown below). In this book there is a picture of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. I had an experience with this picture that I remembered and made a large copy for my wall. She is beautiful. She is the personification of compassion and heart. I only needed to look in the eyes of the photograph and feel so much love. This is that picture.
It was clear that my heart was opening. I began to spend more time in sitting meditation. It was not long before I began to experience greater pain in my heart. I started reading more about kundalini and how it can produce strange feelings and effects in the body. Personal development and spiritual growth CAN be mismanaged and cause problems. This is why it can be of great value to receive guidance from a master.
A Crisis of The Heart
The Mother was in some way guiding me– through a photograph. The pain increased and there were nights when I was lying on the floor surrendering my breath and body to allow whatever was to happen– to let go. It was becoming quite a struggle and finally the only thing that worked was to surrender entirely. One night I simply decide it would be okay if I died. It was clear to me that this was the only way.
This changed my life forever. It was a crisis of the heart. Can I fully love? Can I fully be led by my feelings of trust in something greater than myself? These were the underlying questions. I spent a number of nights needing to reaffirm this surrender until the energy moved steadily upward beyond this testing place. The kundalini was not through working on my heart as there are many levels within the heart that must be opened.